Author: jfoulkescounselling

Rebuild * Reconnect * Relate. Specialist in relationships and repair.

Can your Relationship Recover after an Affair? (The number of times I get asked this question?!!)

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Fundamentally we need love. We tend to think of our basic needs as food and water, shelter and oxygen but we actually need love. It is not uncommon for affairs to begin because we begin to doubt that there is love available and accessible within our relationship. In my practice, I see so many couples whose relationship has slowly broken down over years culminating in an affair. I use the metaphor of our need for love is so instinctive and so intuitive; we are like sunflowers in a field that turn towards the warmth of the sun. 

Recovery in therapy looks like having in-depth conversations about how the relationship has broken down so catastrophically. Each party taking ownership for the times when they haven’t been loving towards the other. Learning that your partner’s style of loving might even look different to yours. 

Tips and know-how: 

*lean into the uncomfortable – this might look like an observing comment rather than a judgement statement i.e. “you seem really quiet today, is everything ok?” 

*own your sh*t – this is about noticing what is happening for you rather than blaming the other i.e. “ feel a bit worried that we haven’t had much time together recently. I like it when we hang out”.

*communicate with feeling – this is about making your intentions known and not leaving things to chance (or for your partner to read your mind). When we speak with clarity and honesty we open up a channel of real conversation.

Keeping It Real….

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083: Keeping it Real with Couples with Jasmine Foulkes

I was interviewed quite recently by Shane Birkel in the USA who runs a really well-known and respected podcast for Couples’ Therapists and Counsellors worldwide.  In the podcast, you will hear me discuss how I work with people and why I know therapy works.

I refer to “the heart of the matter” a few times and that’s why “keeping it real” and addressing the root cause of our emotional pain and trauma can help to promote healing and soothing with partners in distress.

 

 

ARE YOU SLEEPING TOGETHER? (What does that mean exactly?!)

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I was asked by BBC Radio Nottingham to discuss a recently published article (  https://sheerluxe.com/2018/05/30/should-you-try-%E2%80%98sleep-divorce%E2%80%99 ) on “sleep divorces” and whether having separate beds is beneficial or detrimental to your marriage?

I suppose the question to be answered here is what is the intention or the motivation behind wanting to sleep separately?

In my line of work with couples the question of sex (obviously) comes into the sessions and we often discuss “expectations”. If both partners sets out their expectations surrounding sex and intimacy then everything is in the open and able to be discussed.

What can cause problems is one partner getting out of the main bed (e.g. in the middle of the night) and leaves the other partner feeling abandoned. Not communicating the reason for the leaving of the marital bed is the root cause of the problem however not just the act.

Whilst I can see the benefit of sleeping separately when a partner is poorly or the kids haven’t been sleeping well etc. Key to the success of this is to communicate to each other before bedtime so ideally set out expectations and boundaries so that neither partner feels hurt or abandoned.

Ultimately for a loving and intimate relationship to thrive it needs fuel and usually this is in intimate touching and sex which usually is part of sleeping together in the same bed.

This sparks other questions; separate beds after an argument, separate beds during pregnancy/breastfeeding?? I’d still say a clear, sympathetic and sensitive setting of boundaries (and the communication of them) is vital!