In short; no. We are obviously shaped and influenced by are parents and the way in which they cared for us. Most clients are fiercely loyal to their parents and I love that! Therapy should allow for a safe place to both honour and evaluate your experiences as a child.
Of course you were loved (that is never usually in question). Therapy can allow a space to think about what you may have had to adjust in yourself to be acceptable / accepted.
Sometimes micro-shifts in who you needed to be within your family system has an impact on your nervous system. This can then create ‘normal’ pathways in how you conduct yourself in later life; particularly in relationships with others.
Have you ever caught yourself thinking or saying to your own children; “I’d never have been allowed to do that or say that?”. This can sometimes be a helpful cue to become curious. Sifting through this question or statement allow us to evaluate why? What would have been a consequence if I had said or done that? What did I have to compromise in me to go along with the norm?
I am not advocating permissive parenting where there are zero consequences to behaviour that is unacceptable, disrespectful or unkind. Therapy can allow us to parent in an intentional way; what is the outcome I really would like here? If my parents were authoritarian and rule-breaking was punished; would I like for my children to learn the same lessons as me and in the same way?
When we start to ask these questions, we start to identify the impact of our own experiences (whilst not blaming our parents). We are looking for reasons for why you might struggle with something or find certain experiences or emotions challenging and some of these have their origin-story in your relationship with your parents.
Steps for addressing our own patterns in parenting:
- Notice when you are parenting whether you are using the same phrases of your own parents (particularly when you are stressed).
- Become curious of the feelings that are emerging in you at that time.
- Begin to imagine yourself at the same age as your children and recall how you may have felt then.
- Reflect on how your parents handled things and what might have been happening for them at the time.
