Fundamentally we need love. We tend to think of our basic needs as food and water, shelter and oxygen but we actually need love. It is not uncommon for affairs to begin because we begin to doubt that there is love available and accessible within our relationship. In my practice, I see so many couples whose relationship has slowly broken down over years culminating in an affair. I use the metaphor of our need for love is so instinctive and so intuitive; we are like sunflowers in a field that turn towards the warmth of the sun.
Recovery in therapy looks like having in-depth conversations about how the relationship has broken down so catastrophically. Each party taking ownership for the times when they haven’t been loving towards the other. Learning that your partner’s style of loving might even look different to yours.
Tips and know-how:
*lean into the uncomfortable – this might look like an observing comment rather than a judgement statement i.e. “you seem really quiet today, is everything ok?”
*own your sh*t – this is about noticing what is happening for you rather than blaming the other i.e. “ feel a bit worried that we haven’t had much time together recently. I like it when we hang out”.
*communicate with feeling – this is about making your intentions known and not leaving things to chance (or for your partner to read your mind). When we speak with clarity and honesty we open up a channel of real conversation.
Jasmine Foulkes 