Tag: Counselling

Confrontation vs Conflict

jfoulkescounselling

I often hear the phrase “I hate confrontation” when I actually think these people are telling me they hate conflict. 

These two things are different from one another; conflict is usually where two opposing sides simply cannot agree or negotiate which can lead to difficult experiences and emotions. Confrontation is about addressing problems or bringing them to light. 

I think the two things become confused. I often see clients who ‘hate confrontation’ as a coping mechanism for a sense of ‘safety’ i.e. “if I just don’t say anything then the discomfort feeling will pass or go away...”

Sadly, the more we ignore our inner compass (our own discomfort) the more conflicted we feel individually. In relationships it is imperative to share with our loved one when we are feeling in a state of discomfort i.e. to address or confront these feelings. It is only when we feel safe in our relationships that we can do so and guess-what? We can only *test* that safety in the relationship by confronting difficulties. 

When we share with our loved ones how we feel when we are in discomfort, it gives them the opportunity to respond to us and adapt to our needs. It forges trust and reliability; the backbone of a relationship.

Can your Relationship Recover after an Affair? (The number of times I get asked this question?!!)

jfoulkescounselling

Fundamentally we need love. We tend to think of our basic needs as food and water, shelter and oxygen but we actually need love. It is not uncommon for affairs to begin because we begin to doubt that there is love available and accessible within our relationship. In my practice, I see so many couples whose relationship has slowly broken down over years culminating in an affair. I use the metaphor of our need for love is so instinctive and so intuitive; we are like sunflowers in a field that turn towards the warmth of the sun. 

Recovery in therapy looks like having in-depth conversations about how the relationship has broken down so catastrophically. Each party taking ownership for the times when they haven’t been loving towards the other. Learning that your partner’s style of loving might even look different to yours. 

Tips and know-how: 

*lean into the uncomfortable – this might look like an observing comment rather than a judgement statement i.e. “you seem really quiet today, is everything ok?” 

*own your sh*t – this is about noticing what is happening for you rather than blaming the other i.e. “ feel a bit worried that we haven’t had much time together recently. I like it when we hang out”.

*communicate with feeling – this is about making your intentions known and not leaving things to chance (or for your partner to read your mind). When we speak with clarity and honesty we open up a channel of real conversation.